Press Releases

the king and the throne

Thanks the best efforts of his supremely talented royal architects and designers, King Achashverosh proudly unveiled his replica of the famed throne of King Solomon. After previous attempts to ascend the original throne, it was determined to be cursed with a most vile curse. However, King Achashverosh would never let a curse stand in the way of getting that which he desires. Therefore, he commissioned the replica, and is extremely pleased with the results.“Finally, everyone will see how great I really am,” the King announced, “See? See? I told you I’m the best. Just look at me, sitting up here on this ridiculously expensive throne, leading the biggest empire in the world. There has never been anyone else like me.”

calculations uncovered

King Achashverosh’s advisors have announced that the 70 years of the Babylonian Exile have come and gone, with no change in the status of the Jews. They have complete confidence that their calculations are accurate - because government officials never make errors, especially when they have a personal bias.Based on this grand pronouncement, King Achashverosh has planned a luxurious party to celebrate the downfall of the Jews. This party will be held at the royal residence in Shushan and will last for 180 days, to make sure everyone has sufficient time to get inebriated, gorge themselves, and put the famous hedonism of the empire on display.

plans for the 2nd royal party

Plans for the royal 7 day party, to be held in Shushan, are well underway. All citizens of Shushan are invited to celebrate the downfall of the Jews, including the Jews themselves. Orders have been placed for luxurious and rare supplies from all over the world.

Here is a partial list:
- Spreads of fine white and blue cotton, embroidered with cords of linen and purple
- Silver rods
- Marble columns
- Couches of gold and silver
- Pavement of green, white, shell, and onyx marble
- Golden vessels
- Enormous quantities of vintage wine

All of Shushan is awaiting the celebrations with bated breath. Meanwhile, the standard affairs of the state are all being pushed to the back burner to allow King Achashverosh to luxuriate in peace.